Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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