Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
