The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize