It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
