so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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