Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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