i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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