I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Randomize
