i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
