I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You need a sexual gate keeper
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
