I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
