She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Randomize
