Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Princesses don't give blow jobs
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
