Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
