She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
