Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
