I skipped work to stalk him.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
