areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
