This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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