i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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