actually, I'm a sock model
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
