so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
