When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
