We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We left the knife in your bed.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
