You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
