I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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