I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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