Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I love having hate sex.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize