Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
