I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
