I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
