There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
