i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
