I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
