My first STD was from a foam party
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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