You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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