I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
