going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize