i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize