just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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