she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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