I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Someone came in the potted fern
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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