Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
