In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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