You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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