dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
