Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
