I looked at my own cervix.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
