k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
