K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
