just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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