So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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