No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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