Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
