tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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