Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize