My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
