Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
