Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize