So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
