I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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