Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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