I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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