Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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