Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
