I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I am naked and annoyed.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
