She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
